Finding Pride-Mid Pandemic
By: Bradley Vincent
As a full time High School, in-person, substitute teacher in 2021, many people ask me, “Can you imagine being in High School during a Global pandemic?” My inner voice says, “Why Yes, Yes I can.”
I was 14 years old in 1985 when Rock Hudson died and his death was on the cover of all magazines at my local 7–11. I remember the scandal vividly because everyone was concerned for Linda Evans, who he kissed on Dynasty. By the end of that year there were 12,529 reported deaths. As a questioning musical theatre teen, I was petrified. There was little information and when I would ask questions I was told “It doesn’t concern you. Only dirty faggots get it.” I decided if I wanted to live, I would not become a dirty faggot. I remember bathroom walls said things like “God Hates Gays” and “AIDS was created to kill the Queers.” At 16, I got a girlfriend and put a padlock on my closet. I was not gay and I was not a freak.
I recall in dance class some of the girls were scared because a guy rumored to be gay got sweat on them. All body fluids were on the table, as possible infection, at this point. Every bruise I got, I just knew was a lesion. At 17 , I started my 32 years of testing for HIV. I feel like it was referred to as an AIDS test at that time, the acronym HIV hadn’t become official. I would go every 3 months because my terror was ever present. It took 2 weeks to get the results.
I was fortunate to start working as a theatre professional at this young age and was surrounded by actual gay role models. (That I could easily eves drop on) Around this age I also started sexually experimenting with men. All my sex was safe with little to no risk but that made no difference to my head. I always thought, if I was having any type of intimate contact with a man, I would get AIDS and I would deserve it. I would pray to God to make me straight because I wanted to live.
After 120,453 deaths my senior year of High School, the general consensus was safe sex could save lives but there was still no concern for the dying deviants. The media loved its shock value showing images of the grotesque results of AIDS infection, somber pictures of the “Gay Plaque,” and Princess Diana with dying patients.
Growing up Catholic, it was repeated over and over again that homosexuality was a sin and that eternal damnation was eminent. I tried for many years to believe that I was created in the image of God and therefore he must love me. When I watched the ACT UP protests at St. Patricks’s Catherdral, symbolizing the countless deaths of God’s children, I was riveted by the bravery. When the Catholic Church refused to support the truth that safe sex saves lives, I came to the conclusion that the writing on the bathroom walls was true. God does hate fags. All of this fear and I was still in High School.
During this time, I was training as hard as I could so I could move to NYC and dance on Broadway. I was completely unaware that the Broadway I was dreaming about was being decimated. Beautiful, talented young men were being taken from the world in a tragic and lonely way.
When I entered my college years, a decision had to be made because my authenticity was at stake. After being schooled by a female friend on the cruelty of using a woman as a shield and then a guy I was seeing broke up with me for my refusal to exit the closet, I made a decision. I accepted the fact that I was gay and that I was probably going to die of AIDS. I graduated in 1995 and in that year the AIDS quilt visited my college campus and was the highest year to date of AIDS related deaths, totaling 319,849.
Like many gay men my age, I thought the best thing to do was to get into a monogamous relationship (I actually know many men still in these relationships) When my 10 year relationship ended, I entered the new world of safe sex in the age of anti-virals. The thought of EVER having sex without a condom was unthinkable. With so much education, change and knowledge at that time, one would think I could relax. Not the case. I was traumatized and now I stigmatized HIV.
I’m not proud that I stigmatized HIV for many years of my life, but it became another defense mechanism my gay shame constructed. In my 40’s, I reluctantly became a “Daddy”. Looking back at my 20’s, the “Daddy” age bracket of men didn’t exist. If they did, they often had the side-effect of facial wasting and bloated bellies and were basically invisible. I’m so grateful that I was able to become dear friends with one such individual. His humor is what kept his survivors guilt at bay. When it was time to take his pills, he would dance around using the bottles as maraca’s. He called it his “AIDS rattle”.
Lifting this stigma wasn’t easy. People were now living with HIV, but my fear was still tremendous. I would routinely go through my trash can after the guy left to find the used condom. I would then fill it with water to ensure there wasn’t a hole. Even though I was always safe, the rhetoric prevailed that God would smite be just for my existence. I would later realize this action had more to do with my alcoholism than my fear of HIV. A hole free condom put a band aid on the fact that I didn’t remember the night before. I say this to point out that the drug and alcohol abuse in the LGBTQ community is always exorbitantly high. This is because of internal shame and homophobia instilled in us my institutions run by fake prophets.
Before I got sober, I would attend counseling at GMHC. They had a great series that discussed the links between shame, avoidance and substance abuse. This was part of GMHC’s HIV prevention program. My anxiety that someone might see me walking into that building and assume I was positive may have been irrational, but it was there. I did not want people to think I was positive and did not want to be in anyway associated with the disease. (When I finally did get sober, I started volunteering at GMHC in hopes to not only remove the stigma I had for my positive fellows, but also pay it forward to the institution) It was here that I found information about a new HIV vaccine trial at NYU. I immediately enrolled and was one of the 1st volunteers. The scientists said I wasn’t the best candidate because my sexual practices were very low risk, but they enrolled me anyway. At this point in my process, I wasn’t even brushing my teeth before sexual encounters because I wanted to ensue my gums weren’t bleeding during sex. I was obsessed with preventing the virus to have the tiniest opportunity. During this trial, nothing changed in my practices and yet 9 months in, I tested positive. I was in shock. How could this happen? My fears, self hate and God’s condemnation, were all real. It was proof that it was inevitable that I would get it. I was never suicidal, but I prayed at night that I would not wake up in the morning. But for five consecutive days, I did wake up. On the fifth day, I went to an HIV specialist who told me it was a false positive. This was something the trial staff insisted was not possible. Long story short, the vaccine was a bust. Countless patients began to also get false positives, I was just the first. This particular vaccine duplicated a dead strain of the virus. Certain tests could not tell the difference. As relieved as I was to be negative, the trauma I had inflicted upon myself left a deep scar.
It is now 2021 and there is still NO HIV/AIDS Vaccine. The last administration LIED to the public and said there was, which was false. In 2012, PREP (PRe-Exposure Prophylaxis) came out. This is HIV prevention, but in no way a cure. One can live a wonderful life with HIV, but there is no vaccine or cure. Being undetectable, meaning not transmittable, is a term everyone should know. I was hesitant to commit to PREP for a lifetime, but when I told it’s 99% effective, I signed up. Both my doctor and my therapist encouraged me to take it. They agreed that is was more about my anxiety than my actual risk factor, and they were right. Having the fear lessened, enabled me to come to terms with a loving higher power that loves gays and loves me. Being told by Catholics “that it’s not the gay person that God disapproves of, it’s the gay sex” will never help. No one deserves a deadly disease. Know one deserve to get sick and die and go to hell because they’re gay. Anyone and/or Institution that even hints at that I have no time for. I am an incredibly proud gay man that wants to be a power of example to younger generations. In order to do that, I had to get rid of my shame, self hate and the stigma I had for HIV. I can proudly say that the work has paid off. I hope this current group of high schoolers will be able to work through their pandemic problems quicker than I did. 25 years was a long time.
It is June 2021, it is Pride month and there is an accepting message for the LGBTQ community. This is after 4 years of the previous administration telling us we were abominations (again). As great as this message is, states are simultaneously banning pride flags from hanging in the USA. LGBTQ rights are being restored after being ripped away. Every forward step is met with hate. Resilience is a trait that is essential when living an authentic life.
Being in another pandemic has made me more interested in that time in my life and of U.S. history. I watched “How to Survive a Plague” and my eyes were opened about so many things. A significant take away was regarding Dr. Fauci and his history with the U.S. Government and the handling of the AIDS virus. At the beginning of the Documentary, we see Dr. Fauci speaking for the inept administration at the time. It is clear his interests lie with the establishment. In the middle of the Doc, we find Dr. Fauci sitting at the NYC LGBTQ center with ACT UP finding a solution. He is so in the trenches of helping this community and it shows he not only had a change of heart, but he is a champion of the cause. At the end of the film (2012) Dr. Anthony Fauci is one of the commentators on that tragic time in History. He shares the truth about the struggle, the difficulty of finding a cure and his lifetime commitment. He is a scientist for the people, me being one of those people.
I was recently confronted at a cousin’s wedding (my first group event in 15 months) by a family member who had a mask that read, ‘This mask is as useless as Biden.” When he challenged my belief in mask wearing and the vaccine, I’m sure I said something defensive and awkward. What I wished I had said was, “I have been scared since I was 15 years old that a deadly disease was going to kill me, because of who I am. There is no cure for this virus, despite what your false prophet has said. Now, I am faced with yet another deadly disease that there is a vaccine for. I’ll be damned if I’m not going to take it. Plus, I value experts in their field, and Dr. Fauci is an expert.” Instead, I went to the desert table and loaded up two plates.
The prolific Screenwriter Russel T. Davies has left a huge impact on the world with his numerous LGBTQ themed creations. His latest, ‘“It’s a Sin” chronicles the AIDS epidemic in London. It was admittedly hard to watch because it brought all my adolescence shame, self hate and fear to the surface. The point of view that fascinated me was that of a straight woman, in the ensemble of a West End show and the pandemic through her eyes. I have a podcast, and several of my more recent guests were woman who were young and in La Cage aux Folles on Broadway, in the mid 1980’s. These stories fascinate me. Being an ally at this time meant you went to the hospital and held the hands of strangers as they died, so they wouldn’t die alone. Thousands of men died without anyone noticing and their bodies dumped into garbage bags. I live in Jackson Heights Queens, near the Elmhurst hospital, the Covid epicenter. The first refrigerator trucks were just up the street. Just like garbage bags of dead gays people didn’t care about, there were now refrigerator trucks filled with dead POC (essential workers), that nobody seemed to care about. With the Covid Vaccine and PREP for HIV, masks and condoms are being taken off. Both of the diseases still exist, there is no cure. I plan to continue to be safe and wear a mask to make me feel more comfortable. 70% vaccination is great, but doesn’t really apply to a transient tourist town like NYC.
As I sit here watching my high school students on their last day of school, I don’t see fear. I see anger for a missed a year. I see frustration that they “missed out on life.” The worry they have about their future isn’t Covid related. This generation can feel secure because their government doesn’t see them as expendable.
As I approach my 50th birthday, I am more proud of being gay than I ever was. I no longer have an HIV stigma because I research it myself. I no longer pay attention to uniformed generalizations put out there by the opposition. One current example is the hate that is being inflicted on underserving Asian Americans. I have no gay shame and no self hatred. That is the example you will get from me. Hate will be thrown at me and my community for all eternity. I say bring it. If Queer history has taught me anything, it’s that we will survive and we are visible. Don’t close your eyes world because “we” should not be missed.
